I keep on dreaming about him

yesterday, i dream that we were in the same class and is having a discussion, with a friend sitting between us. the teacher pointed the same question to both of us, "what is your opinion towards the opposite sex?". he replied, "she is angry of me" and closed his face with his hands. then, he passed something to the friend between us, which as if it was supposed to be passed to me.

just now, while taking a nap, i dream of us about. we were in my room together with some friends, chatting and chamworing like normal. In the dream, i found out that he actually replied my posts in facebook but i did not realised.

dreams are just dreams. it is just illusions and not of it is real.

in the reality, we never talk, we never see each other. True that I am angry with him, true that I feel like being fooled by him, true that I still miss him. Perhaps, that's the reason I dream of him in that way.

these days, i found that he got several bad characteristics. i am sorry that he looks fat with that hair, i am sorry that i hate his hair colour that makes him ugly, i am sorry to say that he is using words inappropriately to the others, i am sorry to say that i am improving but i see none in him. he does not impress me at all. but paradoxically, i miss him. i am brave enough to use the word that i love him. because when you like someone, you laugh with him. but when you love someone, you are willing to cry for him.

it seems like there is no return at all. i feel so, i think so.

i struggled a lot for these few days, for that i found that he might fall in love with another friend of mine. I feel stupid for that i feel betrayed. I am stupid enough to do the card all by myself, pass it to her and she told him that it was him who do it. He must have not thought that it was actually me. feel so betrayed. feel so stupid.

i miss him

i have no idea. i do not know why. i did not see him since only yesterday. others said that he got some family affairs. i hope that it is something not related to health. i hope that his dad will be well and healthy. i wonder if he is encountering any problem. is he sad? is he worried? but i miss him.

Sorry, oppa

在梦里，oppa告诉我，说我太罗嗦。不知道为什么开始感到内疚。事实根本就没有这样的事。但是自己在梦里，一直哭个不停，一直说“哦吧，对不起，对不起啦，哦吧”。好想在他面前这样哭，这样的说对不起。

I am feeling unhealthy

Last tuesday, I just realised that my urine is frothy. So, I asked for a urine dipstick from my friend to test my own urine. It came out to be SG1.025 and Protein +1. I can feel some very minor pain at my posterior lumbar region. But I am not so sure whether it is real pain, or psychogenic pain or it is just sitting for too long.

Last thursday night, I got common cold. It started of with sneezing and sore-throat. I was angry. Maybe I was wrong, and deep in my heart, I blamed my friend for doing ridiculous thing like not wearing mask and purposely exhaling air from mouth to excrete out the germs. Totally ridiculous! It will not lighten the condition at all, in fact, it will only spread it to other people. What can I do? I can not tell just like that. It will hurt feelings. I skipped my dinner for that night and waking up like a skeleton the next day. Fever went up to 37.6C. 0.4C more and it will be high fever. No matter how cold I am or no matter how weak my appetite was, I forced myself to bath in order to cool down my body and eat a lot to gain more energy. Luckily, my fever went off now, but I still have vicious greenish phlegm. Thank, God. But my Christmas was ruined.

This morning, bowel opening occurred as usual. Surprisingly, I was having pale-stool. And it was quite greenish. What had happened to me again? Urine is normal yellow color, not dark enough to pre-diagnose anything. But it is making me worry. Something wrong with another system this time. I am totally frustrated with myself. Why am I so unhealthy?

I examined myself for pitting oedema. It isn't obvious. But I can see that the skin is recoiling back slightly slower than usual, though no exact pit was formed. Or again, is it psychogenic findings?

Anyway, whether I am really sick or not, I am feeling unhealthy. Really unhealthy. Despair.

what to do

luckily the name list changed. it saved me from lots of troubles as i don't have to think what to do just to let him happy. i am free from the two tiny eyes.
anyway, his birthday will be coming soon. i think i have already decide not to go to his party. but i m still wondering whether i should send him a simple electronic text wish. shall i? shan't i? i have no idea. i am worried if i send him the msg, he'll think that i want to get back to him. he always thinks too much. but after all, i hope that we can still be friends, anyway, we are still coursemates. i'll just wait and decide later.

loyal?

i will spending more time together with oppa for the coming months. i wonder if it is good or bad. more bad, i guess. or more good? i have no idea what to do. and it hurts.

...

still miss him. still love the little green thing. feel uncomfortable when it is not around me. my birthday will not going to be a happy birthday without him.