Huge disappointment

Today is a big disappointment, in fact, a huge one. Why didn't he wear the long sleeve black shirt that I love? Why did he wear that shirt? Yes, I am not happy with the coincidence and no, I don't like to think that way but it was my natural response. And no, I don't like seeing both of you walking together like that and I passed by like an idiot who drank a full bottle of acetic acid. Why did he tell me last minute? I hate if people ask me last minute. It is as if I were free all the time. No, I am not free. No, I don't want to go out with ponytail. No, I don't want to carry my heavy bag in a hand and another thick book in the other hand, walking all around in the mall. Why did you still ask me if you have actually plan to go with me? I don't want to see you if you are just playing. I hate to pretend that I don't care but I cannot not to pretend about everything because it will only reveal all the dumbness in me. There are already many other things that make me feel stupid and I dun want to be stupider than I am now. I want intelligence, I want a strong mind, I need faith, I need encouragement, I need to hear from you, oppa. I may look strong outside, but don't you know that a person who always look strong from the outside, doesn't mean that he/she is equivalently strong in the inside. I become more vulnerable now and I hate it. I don't like the time when I know more than you, and I don't like the time when I know less than her. I am hungry now, but I just want to skip my proper lunch. I want to study like crazy today. I want to sleep early today. I don't want a single dream of even only a second. All I need is a peaceful mind. God, I hope that my day after the noon is much better than the morning. Perhaps, I should get an hour of meditation and practice to calm myself, to breath and to forget.
Fine!!! He never know about this, he will never see this and he will never understand or even know how I feel.