I am feeling unhealthy

Last tuesday, I just realised that my urine is frothy. So, I asked for a urine dipstick from my friend to test my own urine. It came out to be SG1.025 and Protein +1. I can feel some very minor pain at my posterior lumbar region. But I am not so sure whether it is real pain, or psychogenic pain or it is just sitting for too long.

Last thursday night, I got common cold. It started of with sneezing and sore-throat. I was angry. Maybe I was wrong, and deep in my heart, I blamed my friend for doing ridiculous thing like not wearing mask and purposely exhaling air from mouth to excrete out the germs. Totally ridiculous! It will not lighten the condition at all, in fact, it will only spread it to other people. What can I do? I can not tell just like that. It will hurt feelings. I skipped my dinner for that night and waking up like a skeleton the next day. Fever went up to 37.6C. 0.4C more and it will be high fever. No matter how cold I am or no matter how weak my appetite was, I forced myself to bath in order to cool down my body and eat a lot to gain more energy. Luckily, my fever went off now, but I still have vicious greenish phlegm. Thank, God. But my Christmas was ruined.

This morning, bowel opening occurred as usual. Surprisingly, I was having pale-stool. And it was quite greenish. What had happened to me again? Urine is normal yellow color, not dark enough to pre-diagnose anything. But it is making me worry. Something wrong with another system this time. I am totally frustrated with myself. Why am I so unhealthy?

I examined myself for pitting oedema. It isn't obvious. But I can see that the skin is recoiling back slightly slower than usual, though no exact pit was formed. Or again, is it psychogenic findings?

Anyway, whether I am really sick or not, I am feeling unhealthy. Really unhealthy. Despair.

what to do

luckily the name list changed. it saved me from lots of troubles as i don't have to think what to do just to let him happy. i am free from the two tiny eyes.
anyway, his birthday will be coming soon. i think i have already decide not to go to his party. but i m still wondering whether i should send him a simple electronic text wish. shall i? shan't i? i have no idea. i am worried if i send him the msg, he'll think that i want to get back to him. he always thinks too much. but after all, i hope that we can still be friends, anyway, we are still coursemates. i'll just wait and decide later.

loyal?

i will spending more time together with oppa for the coming months. i wonder if it is good or bad. more bad, i guess. or more good? i have no idea what to do. and it hurts.

...

still miss him. still love the little green thing. feel uncomfortable when it is not around me. my birthday will not going to be a happy birthday without him.

我好烦。感觉很压力。好想哭。

当心中住着一个人

我心中住着一个人。很牛的我，还是把他留在心中。我不烦他，不理他，不想跟他说话，只是，有时候想想他而已。我一直都认为他有很大的潜力，能够突破自我，状造他自己的那一片天。所以，这一段时间，就是最好的时机，让他好好的充实自己，我尊重他。有朋友告诉我，叫我别再等了，等也没用。但是，我说啊，反正我也不想开始另一段故事,这样对谁都不公平。一，是我想专心求上。二，我不想害人害己，明明心里有个人，却又跟另外一个人在一起，所以还是不要折上别的事情好了，省得麻烦。看到他能成功，是我打从心里的愿望。看他成为杰出，出色，充满信心，德高望重，我满足。所以，我真的希望他能进步，不必别人再提醒他了。希望他的朋友们能从旁的协助他，减少他的困难。加油！

傻

别再傻下去了啦。
我都没在理你。
Jangan perasan yer~~~

太多小动作

他这个人怎么这么好笑啊？
每天固定更改一点点在网站上的个人资料。
是因为要故意让我注意吗？
小动作也未免太多了吧！
咳，我早就看到了啦！
难道你要我看了过后做出一些什么事情出来噢？
那你要我怎样啊？
都说了，以前的事情就不要太过追究了。
算了！
你还在意些什么啊？
你还真麻烦的咧！
我还是观察多几天，看你能做出什么事情来，再与军师考论考论一下。
麻烦的家伙。
你这恶魔！
咳，心里还是在想念你～
曾经要好的两人，如今却变得好像陌生人。

Walking

Do not walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Do not walk behind me, I may not lead.
So, please walk beside me and we are friends.

Zero Round

Zero round: I won.

But, this doesn't count because it was before we started our competition.
I hope that this zero round will give you a positive pressure to push harder.
Good luck to you for this coming friday! :)

I am very impressed

*clap *clap
I am very impressed by his changes. He started to show the unique personality in him. To be able to voice up things about himself, to oppose and to deny statements; rather than being a quiet guy that keeps everything for himself. And he started to think in a very positive way. Good personality! In this way, people can know him more. It is very honest. I believe that he can be really famous one day, or maybe another word... "glamourous". Haha, keep this up and people will acknowledge your existence. And to be sincere, i am very impressed by you. Kudos! *clapssssss!!!!!!

p/s: I guess, what I did before doesn't benefit myself at all, but I am happy to see something in you now. The potential, like I've told you before. Shall I call this as a success to me? Haha, you! Go! Go! Go! Sparks the fire!!! Let it burn!

p/s 2: Come on. Not everything that I wrote in my blog refers to you, dumb dumb.

我还真可恶！

Yes! Haha, I can see the fire in you， the angerness, the bushuangness. You reveal yourself! See if you can defeat me. You, evil. Well, actually, I am more evil. I don't care whether you hate me or not. But to see you switching from defend mode to attack mode, erm, it is pretty satisfying. Well, I know this will not bring any benefit to me, in fact, I am only hurting myself. Who cares? 你好就够了嘛。我算什么啊？只想激发你，启动你的战斗力，让别人看到你的实力，认可你。希望能看到你成功的一天。装酷只会危害健康。加油了，竞争者！噢，怎么你新的布洛克名字那么可爱啊？熊龙。哈哈！我还真的不想再可恶下去了。得告诉自己要收手了。有点难。咳～～～ 有一个办法可以让自己真的听话，就是重复的说好多编。

收手！收手！收手！收手！收手！收手！收手！收手！收手! 收手！收手！收手！收手！收手！收手！收手！收手！收手！收手！收手！收手！嗨哟，手好累！我可不是copyandpaste的。继续。。。

收手吧！收手吧！收手！收手！收手！收手！收手！收手！不要在理他了！不理了！不理了！不理了！收手！收手! 停止一切！停止！收手！收手！进脑,收手吧！ Eve,你觉悟吧！觉悟！觉悟！觉悟！收手！收手！太多小动作了！收手！收手！收手！收手！收手！

好了，手累了。够了啦!byebye.

Lost

I am crying inside.

You funny people

Hah! Your name should be "Run, You!". It suits the way you act now.

Indifference

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference.
The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference.
And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference

~Elie Wiesel

好想回到过去

哈哈！

你怎么这么可爱啊？
样子让人看了好像你很模糊。
你想太多了啦！
好啦，专心读书就是了。
其他的事啊，你就不用心烦了。
你过得好就够了啦！

Bogoshipda

I miss you.
What about you?
Still hate me?
I hate you too,
but I still miss you.

你快乐吗?

我很矛盾。
我不知道我以为你流了多少眼泪。
一个从来不随意流泪的人，
竟然在这么短的时间，
流了不少的眼泪。

你让我变了。
我爱你，
但我不敢说。
我讨厌黑漆漆的夜晚，
人们已都深睡，
我却一人苏醒，
独自在房里，
一人哭泣。

我不在思考你在想什么，
但我好痛苦。
爱你却不能说。
我好乱。
脑子好乱，
心好乱，
好乱好乱，
好折磨。

我想恨你，
但到最后才发现，
越想恨你，
越爱你。

你不跟我说话，
不接近我，
我心痛。
每天见你，
也就区区几秒钟。
我忌妒他们，
能和你共渡，
能与你笑，
能与你闹。

究竟要到什么时候，
什么时候？
什么时候，
我才能回复？

什么是什么？
爱是什么？
恨又是什么？
遗忘是什么？
爱过，
恨过，
但从来没有，
遗忘过，
遗忘过你。

我错在哪里？
我不知。
但我知，
你没错。

我后悔，
后悔当促没答应你。

人生曲曲折折，
我现在才体会。

我心疼，
好疼。
我哭泣，
我流泪。
因为我还爱你，
我爱你。

你快乐吗？
我还能爱你吗？
我又有接口来很你吗？
可以吗?
我不快乐，
你快乐吗？

猪头！

你这个猪头（猪头是我最高限制的粗口）！！！！！！！！！！
每天只会逃避！逃避！逃避！逃避！逃避！逃避！逃避！逃避！逃避！逃避！逃避！
一点都不会面对问题。逃避！逃避！逃避！逃避！逃避！逃避！逃避！逃避！逃避！
干嘛在人家面前装着好好先生，是大家的朋友，背后，事实上，一点都不友善。
逃避！逃避！逃避！逃避！逃避！逃避！逃避！逃避！逃避！
逃避！逃避！逃避！逃避！逃避！逃避！逃避！逃避！逃避！
醒醒啊！！！！ 你这猪头！！！！！！！
pride, vanity, arrogance, unsociable, ignorance, cocky, it is all in you!!!!!!!!!
咳，我也是个笨蛋，都这种地步，还念念不忘。
但你也最好小心一点，因为我不会逃避，我会面对问题，面对你这个大猪头！！！！
有时候，骂人会让人放松一些些。
你给我小心哦！若让我发现你有什么对不起我的话，你就完蛋了，我会把你五马分尸，让你粉身碎骨！哈哈！ *evil
虽然我人小，但千万不要小看我的实力。

Naega Micheosso

Okay, I got anxiety and depression syndrome now. The sympathetic nervous system acted so actively these day, causing increased contractility of heart ventricles and my heart rate increases. I got palpitation everyday and I could not concentrate in my studies and feeling fatigue most of the time. I find that it is hard to cheer my up and I look tired. I think I am going crazy. But at least I do realise that I am under mental distress now, better than not realising at all. Calm down, calm down.

Things that make me worried:
*my best friend unintentionally seduce/snatch away him from me
*he doesn't love me anymore
*he is trying to run away from me

I hope that all these are just my imagination and are not true.
One of the way that can help me out from this is that if he approaches me. At least, please be a little bit more friendly to me. You are so cruel to me.

You are defeated!

I'LL NOT BOTHER YOU ANYMORE, YOU CRUEL DEVIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM MUCH A BETTER PERSON THAN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I CAN LIVE BETTER THAN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU CAN NEVER SUCCESS BECAUSE YOU ARE CRUEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sad

He's making me sad everyday. He did not try to approach me. Now, he's succeeding in his carrier, it was like suddenly he is promoted. He thought that I am the one who is blocking his way, but he does not know that I am the one that support him throughout the way. Anyway, it is true that it is all his efforts that make him through this long way. See, I've told you that you are great, just believe in me. The encouragement that you gave to me yesterday really made me happy, but I am sure that you will tell that to anyone. Am I thinking too much? People all think that we are couple, but I am feeling that he's running away from me. I wanted to ask him for a tea, but I think he'll try to run away just like that day. So, I think perhaps it is better for me not to ask, or else I'll be hurting myself. Ow... sounds so sad. Oppa, study and work are what you are trying to balance out, but can't you just try to spend some time with me?
______________________________________

You're the voice here inside my head,
the reason that I'm singing,
I need to find you,
I gotta find you.

You're the missing piece I need,
the song inside of me,
I need to find you,
I gotta find you.

Awkward starting

Yes, as predicted, it started off awkward. He did not try to talk to me. And as usual, he dozed off in the class again. I've already tried not to check on him, but it was really too obvious that his head was kept nodding down. So, I had to wake him up no matter what. Later on, then only we started to act like usual. Hmm, nah, no comment.

Waiting for tomorrow to come

Hmm, I thought that everything should be fine and I hope so. But I can feel that something is still not right. Still cold. I can find out that he blocked me on his messenger and that is so sad, though I ain't so sure about this. I want to see his face tomorrow, not that I miss him, but I just want to see his expression- whether it is okay or awkward. It is true that he asked me the question because he really wants to? Or it is just for nothing? Goodbye to weekends and hello to weekdays.

Thank you.

Thanks for the call. And thank God, we get all things clarified. I am happy with it now and I'll treasure you as a good friend of mine. :D Thank you really much.

Waiting for your call

What had happened to you? Why you send me the message but you did not reply me? Are you too tired? I am waiting for your call.

我真的很爱你

事情实在是太复杂了。为什么一路以来你有那么多委屈，那么多的不满，你都把全部往自己的肚子里吞，把一切都隐藏在心里？你知道吗？你这个样子，不只是你一个人痛，我的心也好疼。真的很疼。就如刀割，一片一片的割下来。你好自私，从没跟我分享。我很内疚，当初没好好的跟你谈这些正紧事，没有好好的把你的心理事揪出来，没好好的帮你疗伤。我真的没有负起我应有的责任。你的决定，我尊重你。但是，我想让你知道，我很在乎你，我非常想念你， 但我又怕影响到你的前途。不管你的决定是真么样，我永远都会在背后支持你。我的心依旧不变。我爱你。

Timing

Alright, fine, I shall wait for you for another day. Good luck in the event!

You are not what you perceive

It's early in the morning. The thirst in my throat awaken me for a slip of water. And the anger arises. I am angry. Angry for being accused for things that are untrue.

To solve this problem, I need to talk to him, but not now. Because I am not as harsh as you. I will not trouble you when you are tired and busy. Just like that day, you called me without asking if I was free. You called me at the time when I was frustrating, when I was being imprisoned and when I knew that I am unable to see you and my friends for the whole week. But I will not do the same to you. I will only call you when you are free. I did know that you are busy now, you went out early in the morning and came back late at night and I am surely not going to interrupt your rest time in the midnight. But I really need to get this clarified. Not to reverse anything, but to prove that you are not the one who is always right. You blamed that I think I was always right, but please be reminded, you too are human. Although you think that you've always be thinking about what all people around you think, but this time, you failed. You failed for looking this superficially. You failed for not getting problems solved, you avoided it and come out with a bad conclusion. Or maybe you know that I can sense you, and you pretended out everything, so that you will drive me to a dead end, perhaps, you've succeeded in this.

If you ever think that you are only the one that is making the move and I am doing nothing, then you are wrong. I am still a girl. No matter how bold I am, I always need to hold back myself. Not to say that three words that easily, not to ask you first for a date outside, not to hug you first. The sandwich that I prepared for you was in my bag. It was there for several times. I wanted to give it to you. But when I asked you, I came to know that you've already got your breakfast and it was sure that I am not going to choke you to eat another set of breakfast. And I threw it away. All my efforts were gone. The last sunday, I made a picture of that green thing, and I sticked it on the my room's door, I took a picture and I wanted to show it to you the next day. And again, all my efforts were gone. Have you ever wonder, that a diamond ring will not make me happy, so, I am sure that a limited edition watch will not make you happy too. What I do, is I make sure that you are safe, I make sure that you got enough sleep and I make sure that you are able to perform well in all the fields. I care for you, not buying things for you. Buying things is not the way to care. Do you remembered how many times you told me the three words? None. You never say that three words to me. "Lov ya," and that's only once you said in the messenger. Do you know that I've been feeling insecure all this while. You gave me hope, and you ruined it. You came to see me on that Friday evening, and on the next Monday, you changed. I always wanted to hold you hands, to let you feel the warmness in me, but I am still a girl. I've been acting boldly before this, and all the people around me reminded me not to be too brave, or you'll not treasure me.

Do you ever know why did I called you "oppa"? No, definitely it is not the moonfish. No, it's not the big belly. I hope that you feel the love when I called you "oppa". You can simply google that and you got its meaning.

If you think that I am not mixing well with your friends, and all these while that you have been mixing with my friends. You are wrong. I don't have to show to everyone that I've been contacted with your friends all these while. My friends are all treating you well. They take you as a family. But do you know how bad it feels, when I met one of your friends in the lift, he did not even take a look at me, he did not even smile at me, nor he says hi to me, even though that he did know that I was in the lift. I was chatting with another friend of his, there's no way that he did not know that I was there. But how could I blame you for this? It's his fault, not yours. But I still need to let you know that you don't have to make my friends as your friends. I've told you that whenever you don't feel like having lunch with us, you can just go with your friends.

Do you know what bad and insecure the feeling is when we walked to a place, I talked to a friend for a second, and I turned back, and you weren't there. I searched for you, and you were gone. Every time whenever I wanted to leave a place, I'll let you know. I'll say goodbye to you. But you never do that.

Do you know that every time during meeting, the admiration and the superiority in you increases every time? The more I see you participated in the discussion, I admired you more. And I definitely think that you are the guy that can lead the people. Or in the future, you can lead a family. That's why I've been thinking that you are the right guy.

Whenever I feel something is wrong with us, I always make the move to talk to you, to solve the problem. And I emphasise here again that you've already promise to talk to each other if there's anything. But why are you always hiding, when you knew that it wasn't right? You think I am stupid, are you a genius?

Say, if you really study hard for an exam, and you provide every single question with the correct answer, and the examiner graded you as failed, will you be satisfied? Now I could fully understand something that you've said before- "since when, life is supposed to be always fair?". But do listen, if in the world, people are all treating each other unfair, because what they think is that things are not always fair, then I think, they shall have an appointment with justice.

You are not the worst guy, you are the best guy. Best guy makes mistakes too. I am not 100% correct, nor even 50%, but I am not always wrong too and you are not always right.

My dad said that you are selfish, you are petty. My friend said that you are ignorant, you are unbrilliant in handling this. They are standing at my side, but I'll never let them say so. Because they don't know you, so that they could not charge you as anything.

Whatever it is, I really need to talk to you. To clarify that what you perceive, may not be what the others perceive, and what you and the others perceive, may not be what which is true. If you ever reflected after we have the talk, you feel guilt, you feel wrong, but remember, I'll forgive you because I know that you are not perfect nor any other people in this world.

I need to hear from you

Thinking back of what oppa told me that day, now I could figure out that something must be wrong. During the call, he put all the burden and fault on himself which shouldn't happened. And I really believed what he told me.

But thinking back and thinking back again, I know that there must be something wrong. There must be some misunderstanding between us. Don't you think that it is weird that all this while everything seems to be okay, but suddenly he said that everything is not okay?
The last Friday, he came to see me and everything went smooth. Two days later which is on Sunday, I went to see him and everything was still alright. And all of the sudden, he told me all those stuffs on Monday. The changes were too drastic. If he could have had those kinds of thoughts from the beginning, he should not have come to see me on that day.

Based on my analysis, our main problem is communication. I am not blaming him. It is my fault that I told him most of the thing I felt and what happened around me, and he was the listener most of the time. Whenever I asked him if he's okay or if he's too busy, he said it was okay, but he'll never tell his problems although I do know that something must have troubling him. He is holding so many tasks at a time. How could I help him? I could not help him to do his tasks about the international event that is going on now. There must be something that he is not satisfied with me but the thing is, he never tell me nor he tells anyone. Oppa, I've told you before in the phone, I need to hear from you. I need you to be honest with me, tell me, what's happening, how you feel and what you think. Isn't that that we already promised to be frank to each other, to just ask rather than to guess and hide? It is indeed my fault of not forcing him to spill out everything. Oppa, I would like to let you know that from all this while, since the very beginning, I always care for you. I know that I could not be always there for you, by your side. I know it is silly that I actually plead my friend to be a secret guardian for you, to check if you are happy, to check if you are safe, to check if you are doing well. Perhaps I did not show it out that I care for you, but the truth is, every morning when I woke up, I think of you, I wish that you got a good night sleep the night before and you are being able to work and study to the fullest. And every night when I go to bed, I think of you again, whether you are staying up late, whether you enjoyed the day, whether you are well-prepared for the next day. And the truth is, I am still doing the same thing now.

Oppa, I do know that you are a really good person who always taking care and concerning about all the people around you. Whatever you did, you always think deeply about others feeling, but oppa, we are humans. Humans are humans, humans are not perfect. I am not perfect, you are not perfect, same goes to anyone in this world. We did mistakes, I did lots of mistakes. But oppa, do let me know that what are the mistakes. It will not be effective if you leave things to be as it is. And oppa, not that of everything that you think are all right, because what we think, is what we perceived, what you perceived is not what other people may perceive.

Again, oppa. The same words that I want to say to you when I called you that day that I want to hear from you and I need to hear from you. Do reply my message.

I am firm

Oppa, I am firm with my decision now. I am going to help you out from your misery. No matter it works or not, I want you to be strong.

It's a pause

Shocking. Oppa told me that he suggested if we become normal friends.

First thing came to my mind, shocked. What makes him think so? From all this while, I think everything is alright but he said that he's not.

Second thing came to my mind, does he really take me as his girlfriend? He never declare or ask me officially about this. Why is he thinking about all these responsibilities when he actually don't have to?

Third thing came to my mind, I asked him why. He said he doesn't feel like the him before, he loses his focus, he spent less time with his gang, he felt confused, tired, and he's not ready for the relationship and he needs time to prepare himself, to improve himself and temporarily he needs to be alone. Oppa, I hope that your decision is not after long and clear consideration. I know that you are busy these days. Just be yourself. Don't worry, oppa. From all this while, you always asked me not to think too much, but actually oppa, you are the one. Oppa, I really hope that you could get someone you trust, spill out everything and share your feelings to. Don't keep everything inside, one day you will burst out. You said that you feel that you can't take care of yourself and you doubt your ability of taking care of the others. Oppa, you don't have to take care of me. I am not a kid, I can take care of myself. Before I know you, I live as usual, isn't it? If you think you need someone who can care for you, oppa, I'll like to let you know that I always care about you. I always worried about you because I care bout you. Maybe I did not voice it out, but I do care about you. Can't you feel it?

Fourth thing came to my mind, I wanted to tell him that he's the best guy ever! Oppa, everything I see in you is positive. You are not the worst guy, but the best! Do not let an event that occur in your life to defeat you. Be confident and be strong. You need to believe in yourself.

Fifth thing came to my mind, I am so sad. Now I understand the feeling of being dumped. I cried in the phone because I don't feel like hiding it from him. Like I said before, I don't wish to pretend in front of you anymore.

Sixth thing came to my mind, I wanted to let you know, whenever you are ready, you can always come back to me. I am always ready. I already get myself well-prepared and I will not change, unless you change. I will always be there for you.

I know that I might sound a little bit stubborn. Believe me, I can cope up with everything. We should help each other, isn't it?

Now, oppa. Get your jobs done, then take a good rest, relax your mind, and go on with your life. Your parents and everyone around you are proud of you, so do I.
Gambateh, oppa. I am not blaming you, maybe I am just too stubborn. But at least, I want to let you know again that, things can be reversible. :)

I am worried

Now that the condition is serious. Everyone is tensed up and worried. This is not a small case. It involves more than a thousand people.

Currently, I am imprisoned in my room. Everyone is afraid to go out. Thank, God. Now, I am healthy and I hope that everyone will be alright. Some of oppa's housemates are sicked too. I hope that oppa is fine and safe and I believe that he's strong enough.

The feeling of despair is all around. The only thing that we can do now is to pray and wait for further information. It really doesn't feel good to wait. I wanna go home.

24/7

It's a twenty-four seven day.
First at school, I felt so sad. My best friends are away to oversea for an international event for one week. It means that I have to do all my stuffs alone then.
But till evening, unpredictably(meaning that it was a surprise), oppa came to see me. Is this counted as our first date? I was doing exercise in my room while he called me. I was sweaty, with my specs, ponytail with my fringe pinned up, no make-up, and with sleepers. The meeting was only 30 minutes but I am happy with it because he took the initiative to come and see me. It was the second time that he bought desserts for me. It tastes too sweet (literally).
Then, it was very considerate of him asking me if I would like to join a dinner with his friends. Although I could not go due to another meeting at night, I feel glad for that at least he tried to ask me, meaning that he does know that I am lonely now and he is trying to accompany me. :) Oppa, joaheyo.

Walking with him

Oppa is good. Every morning, we'll greet each other when we meet. We were in the same class again today. Oppa was performing well and we gained a lot of knowledge from the class. I feel good while walking with oppa. It was like someone at your side, so that you don't have to worry about anything even if you accidently slip and fall. He always wanted to help me to carry my suitcase but I insist to carry it by myself. It is really heavy and he already got another heavy bag on his back. Besides, I prefer to carry it so that I can say goodbye to my flabby arms. Oh, and another thing here. Today, I heard oppa speaking to another friend using dialect. I was surprised that he could actually speaks dialect fluently and it doesn't look weird at all although I don't understand anything. Well, I think we are getting better now and feeling more comfortable with each other. :)

I am still busy

Thought that I could have a nice and relaxing week this time, but seems like I still got lots of tasks to perform. But every time at school, whenever I see oppa, I feel relieved. The stress went off and I will feel like smiling at him. Recalling of what happened last Friday, I was so tired and stressed. He gave me advices, I told him that it was alright but obviously he could see that it wasn't. This was out of my expectation. All of a while, oppa stood outside the window, did a funny face, just to make me laugh. It was really sweet of him. Sorry if I could not spend more time chatting with you. Luckily, he did realised that I will be busy this week. Thanks, oppa for being there for me. :)

Having nice time with oppa

Today, I got nice time with oppa. Early in the morning, I met him outside the lab. Lol, he forgot to bring his manual, it was very cute that he asked me if we could share the manual. So, we were having class and discussion together. It was really good to discuss studies with him. After the class, we walked together to library but we did not sit together, because I preferred to look for some books at the upper level. Then, again we got lecture together. Oppa dozed off for several times. I woke him up for once, but then he dozed off again and I decided not to wake him up because he must be really tired. Maybe next time I should really give him a big shock so that he will stay awake throughout the lecture. Hah! He told me that he already got sufficient sleep yesterday but have no idea why he felt sleepy during the lecture. After that, I went for my class and he went for his. And so, this is the story for today. It was simple and short but I am happy with it because there wasn't anything that came to interrupt us at all. I feel more comfortable with his accompany.

Hard Time

I am having a really hard time today.

First is to wake up really early to ensure that I get the first bus. Second is to be earlier than the others. Third is to be brave to face and overcome all the obstacles. It was really tiring. You can never imagine that kind of feeling unless you experience it yourself. I hope that I can be a better person in the future in dealing with my client's emotion. Breaking the news is not an easy thing and breaking a news that you yourself are not really sure about is even tougher. Futhermore, when someone tells you that you might have a psychology disorder, it just doesn't feel good because all of that you think is that it is so not true. I experienced all this. I am no more afraid of pain nor the feeling under such a stressful environment because I've already underwent all sorts of pain. I can feel that I am stronger now.

It was nice when oppa asked me about my condition today. He really listened to all my stories and my own opinions. But actually, I prefer to be a listener than a speaker. It was always me becoming the speaker. I want and I need listen to him, his feeling, his thoughts, his plans. Maybe I should get a day, tell him that I am not going to talk much, because all that I wanted to do is to listen to him talking.

I can't wait for tomorrow to pass. Once it is over, I shall let go the long breath.

Everything is good now

Oppa looks so sweet.
He styled his hair today.
But he didn't shave.
He bought me a packet of cookies.
And it is really delicious.
Although some people may question about us.
But I am happy with everything now.

Oppa got poor memory

Oppa really got poor memory. Yesterday, I told him that I was going out after the class to buy some stuffs. Today, I told him I spent a lot of time and money, and he asked me if I was shopping yesterday.

Anyway, oppa said that he followed his friends to attend a church activity yesterday and he enjoyed it very much. He'd told me before that once he was really close to christianity. I don't mind about this anyway because I am a free thinker. I accept any concept of any religion that makes mind. As long as it benefits him, I am happy with it. In fact, I will encourage him to go again if he got some time for it.

Tomorrow, the students will be having lunch according to their previous institution. *Sigh. I planned to eat with oppa tomorrow without any interruption by the others but seems like there's no chance and we have to eat separately. The following days will be all fully packed. But, it's okay because we are all students. :)

Relieved

Yesterday, I decided to call oppa at night. I told him that I wasn't happy and he also thought that I was acting weird recently. I am glad that he could feel this and he said that he knew things were not too smooth these days. I told him all my worries and he really did comfort me by telling me that everything is okay and I felt better secured. The most important thing that he told me is that we need to stay focus on our studies. I am relieved after listening to him saying so. This is one of the thing that I am worrying about. I admire his maturity. We made a lot of clarifications and we decided to just ask each other rather than guessing blindly. I don't mind focusing on studies and waiting for as long as four years. Our main goal is to achieve our dreams. We need to encourage each other but not dragging or pulling down anyone of us. Since both of us are really busy these days and our schedule for these few weeks is almost fully packed, I do prefer that the graph remains at a plateau phase for now. Another thing that I was happy about, he did suggested that we need to get a quality time for both of us only to chat and to know better about each other. Everything that he told me are what I expected to hear and incredibly, some of his dialogues/phrases are actually what I've said before to my secret advisor. I will wait for you and I hope that you will wait for me too.

Huge disappointment

Today is a big disappointment, in fact, a huge one. Why didn't he wear the long sleeve black shirt that I love? Why did he wear that shirt? Yes, I am not happy with the coincidence and no, I don't like to think that way but it was my natural response. And no, I don't like seeing both of you walking together like that and I passed by like an idiot who drank a full bottle of acetic acid. Why did he tell me last minute? I hate if people ask me last minute. It is as if I were free all the time. No, I am not free. No, I don't want to go out with ponytail. No, I don't want to carry my heavy bag in a hand and another thick book in the other hand, walking all around in the mall. Why did you still ask me if you have actually plan to go with me? I don't want to see you if you are just playing. I hate to pretend that I don't care but I cannot not to pretend about everything because it will only reveal all the dumbness in me. There are already many other things that make me feel stupid and I dun want to be stupider than I am now. I want intelligence, I want a strong mind, I need faith, I need encouragement, I need to hear from you, oppa. I may look strong outside, but don't you know that a person who always look strong from the outside, doesn't mean that he/she is equivalently strong in the inside. I become more vulnerable now and I hate it. I don't like the time when I know more than you, and I don't like the time when I know less than her. I am hungry now, but I just want to skip my proper lunch. I want to study like crazy today. I want to sleep early today. I don't want a single dream of even only a second. All I need is a peaceful mind. God, I hope that my day after the noon is much better than the morning. Perhaps, I should get an hour of meditation and practice to calm myself, to breath and to forget.
Fine!!! He never know about this, he will never see this and he will never understand or even know how I feel.

Dozing off

It seems like most of my friends are tired today and they include oppa too. He was like sleeping all the way through the first lecture. He woke up in the gap between the first and second lecture. Then, he slept again during the second lecture. It was funny when he laughed at me when he woke up as he thought that I was sleeping too at that time but in fact, I was just looking at the dirt on my shoes and of course, not concentrating on the lecture. Anyway, poor oppa, his roommate locked him outside his room and he could only go to his bed at 3am which was insane. I slept at 11pm something although I did not read much the night. I am a bit guilty now as I wasn't performing well during the tutorial class today. *sigh. University students should really get enough sleep so that they can pay more attention during lessons. But university students should also make sure that they revise what they learned in lecture, which I am a little slow at.

Leadership

Hmmm, went for a meeting today. Oppa is in the committee too. Today, I can really see his leadership in managing tasks. He directed the other committees really well in a systematic way. His responsibility, leadership and friendliness make me admire him more. I am supposed to assist him in the job, but seems like he is carrying most of the works. Is it really okay like this? Give me some work to do, oppa. Hope that oppa won't burden himself with all the jobs that he is handling now. I'll always give you full support.

Say OK

Vanessa Hudgens : Say OK
Songwriters: Birgisson, Arnthor; Kotecha, Savan

You are fine, you are sweet
Fine, I'm still a bit naive with my heart
When you're close, I don't breathe
I can't find the words to speak and I feel sparks

But I don't wanna be into you
If you're not looking for true love
No, I don't wanna start seeing you
If I can't be your only one, so tell me

When it's not alright, when it's not ok
Will you try to make me feel better?
Will you say alright? Will you say ok?
Will you stick with me through whatever
Or run away?

Say that it's gonna be alright
That it's gonna be ok

When you call I don't know
If I should pick up the phone every time
I'm not like all my friends
Who keep calling up the boys, I'm so shy

But I don't wanna be into you
If you don't treat me the right way
See, I can only start seeing you
If you can make my heart feel safe
Feel safe!

When it's not alright, when it's not ok
Will you try to make me feel better?
Will you say alright? Will you say ok?
Will you stick with me through whatever
Or run away?

Say that it's gonna be alright
That it's gonna be ok
Don't run away, don't run away

Let me know if it's gon' be you
Boy, you got some things to prove
Let me know that you'll keep me safe
I don't want you to run away

So let me know that you'll call on time
Let me know that you'll help me shine
Will you wipe my tears away?
Will you hold me closer?

When it's not alright, when it's not ok
Will you try to make me feel better?
Will you say alright? Will you say ok?
Will you stick with me through whatever
Or run away?

Say that it's gon' be alright
That it's gon' be ok
Don't run away

Say that it's gon' be alright
That it's gon' be ok, don't run away
Will you say ok?

Say that it's gon' be alright
That it's gon' be ok, don't run away
Will you say ok?

When he is started to be brave

Lolz, why is he so cute?
Instead of asking straight forward, he asked me if I've watched the Ice Age 3's movie trailer and if I am interested to watch that. Of course, if I am free at that time, why not? But the other way round, say if I am busy with something else more important, too bad then. I've already promised to myself to keep track of my studies and responsibilities as a student and a child to my parents. I hope he could understand me and I hope that he'll think the same too.

I am quite worry about the previous examination. I am so worried if there wasn't any improvement in his result because I'll feel really bad if I ever pull him down. But, don't worry oppa, mine was okay.

Back to the movie thingy, there is one thing that I think is really weird. Does he really like to watch this kind of cute animation movie? Or he intentionally picked a movie that I may be watching. If he prefers to watch movies like Transformers or Termination Salvation, I'll really watch those movies with him. :)

Finally, today, he accepted my invitation to have lunch with my gang. I wasn't really excited about this, but my clique seem to be like more excited that he joined. Weird~~~ I don't want him to purposely join us just because that they are my clique. Please, oppa. If you don't feel comfortable joining us for lunch, do let me know, I can have lunch with you at the canteen. I like you because you are you and you don't have to purposely do something that you are not used to.Or should I say that I am worry when you never tell me how you feel? At least, tell me that you don't like the food or what so ever. I dislike to guess what runs in your mind.